how not to get cut off

people sometimes ask me "hey Luke! you look great today also i have aggressive drinking tendencies and am wondering how not to get cut off at the bar"

actually people never ask me that but they should because every time I cut someone off they seem completely surprised and usually outraged in a way that suggests a little research into the matter would have been very helpful to both of us.

Lets start with the basics.

1. My bar is supported by customers (we call them guests it feels nicer) and I like our guests and I like my job and when you are in my bar (pub actually) I am usually going to do everything I can to make your stay enjoyable.

2. My bar is licensed by Ontario to serve alcohol but Ontario considers that licence to be more of a privilege than a right and part of the conditions of them doing us the favour of allowing us to sell alcohol is that we serve it responsibly and in accordance to the law. My job and the job of every single person I work with depends solely on the good standing of our liquor licence.

3. We are not allowed to serve any guest to the point of intoxication.

hmmmm, you can probably see the grey area here is that we serve drinks with Delicious alcohol in them which if functioning correctly will make people intoxicated but if people are intoxicated we stand to lose out liquor licence and you are right and that is why we are discussing this today (that and I had to cut 3 people off last night).

What we are trained to do, and compelled to do by the laws of this province, is actually to serve people responsibly. You have probably been drunk in a bar before and I certainly have but being some degree of drunk and being served irresponsibly are two different things.

Most of us on most night have a pretty good idea how much we can reasonably drink and still be a functioning human being. Occasionally someone misjudges how much alcohol they can handle and a I will have use my discretion as to when to cut them off.

As bartenders we don't like to do this; it makes a scene, it is embarrassing for you, it is awkward for other guests in the area, is potentially dangerous, and in general goes against every tenant of good customer service ie always make customer happy. Sometimes I like cutting people off (see "luke's favorite's" below), but most of the time it is just a massive hassle added to an already busy shift. On top of that it is difficult even for seasoned bartenders to do the math (weight/gender/demeanor/drinking speed) of every drinker in the bar so what you get is a little of the prep math on how much you should be able to drink and a lot of the lets see if you look or are acting drunk before I serve you another drink. In short if you don't look drunk and aren't acting drunk then chances are I am not going to cut you off. You should probably know what it means to look or act drunk but if not...


HOW NOT TO GET CUT OFF

1. Guaranteed cut off: the automatics
- falling asleep in the bar
- putting your head down to rest on the bar
- resting your eyes
these things mean that you are too drunk or tired to be in the bar. not only are you cut off the bartender is now pissed that missed cutting you the last time(s) you ordered- swaying when walking
- falling out of chair because drunk
- repeating self when ordering
- slurred speech
- "shit face " face
remember we are talking cut off instead of kicked-out. So things like fighting, stealing, puking, taking off shirt aren't included.

2. Discretion cut offs A: depends on the severity
- spill drink because drunk
- falling out of chair- could be accident
you know how many "chair accidents" we have at lunch? Zero ever, or at least none I can remember, but every time someone falls off a stool a 1am it is supposed to be a random freak occurrence in no way related to their alcohol consumption.
- impaired speech
- face looks like crap
- racists jokes/homophobic language.
You or your cousin maybe Jewish, or gay, or both, but the strangers sitting around you don't know that and could reasonably be expected to be offended by offensive jokes or language. You are in public.

3. Discretionary cut offs B: Luke's Favorites
- swearing
- lockerroom talk
swearing is acceptable at your table only. at the bar or shouting across the room is not . this doesn't bother some servers but I do not feel like your interest in cursing supersedes the other guests interest in enjoying their meal. I realize that the term "lockerroom talk" makes me sound about 60 years old but I chose it specifically because it self-illustrates that some conversations should happen exclusively in semi-private areas like a lockerroom and certainly not in earshot of disinterested/disgusted strangers.
- slamming your glass down
if you are looking to upgrade your status to "about to be cut off" this is the fastest way to do it. besides being a stupid thing done only by idiots, slamming your glass down is like a sonar ping which helps any server or bartender in the room instantly identify and cut off the drunk person. If you have never slammed a glass down and can't understand the motive try to imagine that you saw every beer or shot in front of you not as something to be enjoyed but as a personal affront to your manhood that must be conquered. By slamming the glass down you are announcing to the whole room "I AM SOMEONE WHO HAS FINISHED A BEER". awesome.
- leering at girls
- hitting on the staff.
would you stare at a table of girls for 3 uninterrupted min if you were sober or would you be a little worried that you might come across as creepy. Also you are more likely to get away with making a drunken and wildly inappropriate comment about some girls ass without getting cut off it said girl isn't the server in charge of making that cut-off decision.
Unwelcome advances on girls and slamming your glass on the bar actually have a lot in common in the cutting off world in that they are escalating problems and as such draw a much quicker trigger.
Lets say I have one table with two guys talking about the raptors game and that time they did mushrooms in college and I have another table slamming their glasses who won't leave my 18 year old hostess alone then who should I cut off first? Is another round of beers going to fix the problems of drunk+aggressive+unattractive to girls? If you are bothering girls or slamming your glass (slapping the bar or table counts as well) then you are basically sending a message to your bartender that they are going to have to cut you off eventually and the longer they wait the more of a hassle it is going to be.


That about wraps it up for how not to get cut off but even if you followed these guidelines I still might have to cut you off if you drink too much and can't do it yourself. This brings us to...

So you have been cut off...

1. dignity control mode
- as mentioned we don't like to cut you off so chances are we are not doing it flippantly. usually we will cut you off in a discreet manner and invite you to join us on another occasion. People get cut off all the time and it is not a personal judgement on you or your partying ability. This is a good time to quietly disagree (if you must) and ask for a water instead. This is not a good time to start yelling about how sober you are. You also shouldn't yell stuff like "hey frank! can you believe it?? yeah no they aren't going to serve me!!". A good number of people take being cut off as an opportunity to instantly prove the bartenders judgement as sound by making a huge drunken scene and then trying to get one of their friends to get them a drink (this never works). Most of the time I want you to come back so please limit behavior you might construe as embarrassing so you feel comfortable returning later.

2. Negotiations
- Please remember that all decisions are final and that I can't give you any alcohol including "just one drink" after you have been cut off.

2. Moving on
-if you are so sober that I have made a remarkable mistake in singling you out to be cut off then by all means try to be served at one of the numerous other bars in the area. I strongly don't recommend this. Even if you are so incredulous about being cut off that you feel the need to tell the bartender that it is "fucking bullshit" 5 times- even if you feel completely sober- even if everything there should still be a little voice in the back of your head saying something like...

"at some point in this evening i must of lost track of my own drunkenness.... could it be that the sober professional across from me who I have never met before isn't just persecuting me on some anti-me vendetta that wouldn't make sense?.... maybe i am drunk just a little.... I did have 5 pints of beer and no dinner. this never would have happened if I was still with Angela. we would have had a nice dinner and a couple drinks and gone home to bed... god I miss her.... my server had nice legs and she smiled when she came to my table.... maybe she likes me.... if i don't look at her legs and say "nice kilt" at least twice she won't know that I like her back.... wait we weren't thinking about legs we were thinking about whether there is a possibility that i might actually be drunk... that would explain why I just told the bartender that it is illegal for him to cut me off.... where do i come up with this shit? I should probably go home and eat a bunch of those 99c pizzas"


Look for that little voice! It is trying to help you.

My little voice is trying to help me do something other than lie in bed and write lengthy blog entries about stuff nobody cares about.

i am going to go and get some Delicious lunch