Cleveland judges needed for Coors Biggest Boobs Contest.
Dear Son,
Firstoff I am sorry that this letter isn't really from Preston Allister Coors about them needing judges for a biggest boobs contest. I knowed you wouldn't open the letter if I put my real name on it since you probably haven't heard all the good things about me and I also never fathered you or sent money like I should have and the courts wanted me too.
I wanted to be a better father to you than my dad did to me but it is hard when you keep getting bad luck and caught at armed robbery. Still though when I saw on my computer search that you were likely going to jail about that 4 separate assault charges plus keeping a unregistered gun in your car incident I felt really bad like it was my fault partways. Even though you is now 18 and grown I still see it my duty as my dad to help you with advice in how to go to jail and that is why I am writing this letter. You don't have to tell your momma that I am helping you out but if you do tell her you could say something like "now who is the worst father in Ohio."
Your mother used to be really pretty and I did used to love her and you should know that you was born out of love even if the police kept calling it rape.
Jail Lesson 1: not ratting
When I first went to jail my daddy told me not to talk to the guards because even if you are just asking them for pornos or whatnot then the other guys in jail will think that you are ratting them out and might stab you which in jail they call shanking but it is the same thing. My daddy was really good about telling me jail advice but he had the advantage of being in the same jail as me and it says they are sending you to Nelsonville.
Everyone hates rats in jail and times in between jail because most people themselves are only in jail for someone ratting them out as being a criminal and I myself was ratted out the 2nd and 4 time I went to jail and I say the 3rd time too but Dr Michelle says it isn't ratting if someone calls the police because you tied them up and stole their television and jewelry.
You have probably heard from your uncle Rob that I ratted him out on the dollar store job he went away for but I didn’t. Your uncle is well known to be a liar and even tries to claim that he is your real father but I know that I am your real father on account of Rob never being able to make any other girl pregnant and the other 2 fellas being black.
Just remembering your uncle calling me a rat gets my back up some which I will deal with by doing a painting later.
Dr Michelle is working with me to channel my anger into art. She says my rage issues ultimately hurt myself in addition I think she means to whoever is around me cause they get hurt pretty bad sometimes.
If you talked to her she would say some of the 4 times you was caught assaulting people was your fault at not controlling your anger but neither of us was there so we can't say for sure that it wasn't called for. I think that going to jail for things that are called for is a loophole in the law that particularly needs to be looked at but my lawyer says that it is not likely to be addressed before your sentencing date.
Jail lesson 2: yard reading
Even as important than not ratting (or “snitching” as you would call it if you was black like your almost fathers) is to know when something is going to happen. In jail you can learn to tell in the air when a person or group of persons is going to go off crazy and start a riot and if you get that sense it is best to take cover. The exception to this is when someone has recent done wrong by you and then you should shank them during the riot when the guards are busy.
Dr Michele and my lawyer both say that shanking someone in a riot or otherwise has a habit of making my jail time increase “exponentially” so I guess I would take some of their advice and not shank someone in a riot for no reason but also remember your fathers advice about using the opportunities god gives you.
Jail lesson 3: Making a shank
Making a shank isn’t much of a lesson you need your father for. It is really just anything you find in jail that will go through someone’s skin a dozen or more times. If you are not sure about something being a shank or not just push it against your leg until it feels like it would probably go through your skin if you pushed any harder. BE CAREFULL!!!.
You are probably interested in shank making to be less worried about being raped in prison but you should be ok as long as you make it clear that you are not gay and will murder anyone who tries to get with you.
About the other way of it jail is long and there is no women there so you have to make your own mind about goings on or rapings with other men and I can't council you on that matter.
I have told you the most important things about jailing and everything else you should be able to pick up on your way like I did.
It does feel good to finally get to being a dad to you.
Love and best of luck,
Dad
9 comments:
Haha! I found these stories hilarious and completely refreshing and unique. Would love to read more. Thanks.
that was great! loved it!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA I just dies of laughter... that was awesome!!
-Icy
Read your story....thanks.....if you have time have at look at my blog and check out the 50 word stories....at moment there are 3 on there. Challenge you to submit one to me.
Blog is:
arthurstace.blogspot.com
Thanks again
haha WOW is all I can say. I like how you completely changed the direction that the title implied the story was going in, as a reader it captivated me and made me want to read more. Good work :) !! I also like how well you've created a character, you've give the father a strong voice of his own and I can visualize him as if he were a real person.
what a great story!! man, you're good, please keep on posting your writings! i'm sorry your other posts didn't get as much attention as you would've wanted to, but it got you to use your blog to publish your creation, i think that's very very good. thank you for this surprising laughing time =)
keep it going!
i liked it :)
hahaha! I read it.
cool
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