well I am back to delicous cinamin gum officially ending the "dentyne EXTREME nosebleed era" It did occure to me while I was watching my nose bleed in the duke bathroom (patiently waiting to die of a massive stroke ) that my hypocondria might be a little out of controll.
In honor of this I am prepared to fill you in on my personal relationship with impending certain death.
Other hypochodriacs might relate.
At least the rest of you will hopefully understand why I dont spend more time planning for the future.
TOP CONSTANT UNEDUCATED DEATH THREATS (deadliest to least deadly)
1. Brain Conditions: narrowly edging out "heart conditions", brain conditions produce more of a generalized anxiety over time (as opposed to the"heart attack frenzy" one gets from watching the learning channel ) which I think adds up to take the top spot. Other than headaches, which are clearly more of a head thing, your brain doesnt really provide you with any pain feedback. This means you could have a massive tumor in the middle of your brain right now and not even know that it is there. hmmmm does my brain feel tumory right now? that is the point you have no way of telling!!!
In fairness this doesn't really give you the oppertunity to grossly misenterpret benign symptoms like a small lump on your foot as undeniable proof of cancer, but it also isnt providing me with the constant "everythings fine" message i prefer.
In conclusion I think it is the absolute mystery as to what is going on healthwise inside your brain in combination with the devestating consequences of even the smallest ailments that keep "brain conditions" firmly ahead of "heart conditions" in my personal hiarchy of deadly concerns.
Top Deadly Brain Conditions
1. Stroke: can happen anytime, horrible consequences, vertually everthing I do in my life contributes to my eventual likelyhood of getting one.
2. Annyurism/hemmorage: the ultimate blink of an eye death bringers! With all the freaking crap in your brain it just seems inevitable that something will burst sometime.
3. Tumor: why do these things always have to be the "size of _______" like I am not intimidated by a smaller brain tumor and it has the be "the size of a softball" to get my attention
4. Brain Cancer: just sounds deadly
5. Concussion: every time you get a concussion (wich is a lot if you have a giant head target) you are basically now 1-3% dumber.
2. Heart Conditions: I live in constant fear of having a heart attack, it just seems like a really unpleasant way to die. Not to make light but my mother's biological father died when he was 35 which means I have to check "yes" in the "family history of heart problems" box on those life expectancy surveys which in turn then alerts the computer that I am more likely to die than everyone else. I am uncomfortable right now just writing this so lets wrap up the heart section.
Top Deadly Heart Conditions.
1. Heart Attack: this is pretty much the only one. I mean you can say "they had Angina" or "tey suffered from high Cloresteral" but in the end the heart attack will be the deadly killing agent that lashes out on behalf of these ailments
2. That thing that kills young atheletes on the basketball court where they have had an irregular heart beat thier whole lives and then they just drop dead one day: at least i dont have an irregular heart beat oh wait YES I DO oh well at least I dont play basketball (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
3. The Cancers: wow it seems like everyday there is a new freaking cancer and the best part is that the symptoms are so minor you can interpret almost any physical phenomena as a certain sign of impending amputation.
Since I was 10 and my mother warned me to look out for unexplained lumps on my body because they could be cancer (wow thanks mom) I have been at different times positive that I have had: throat cancer, regular cancer, lung cancer, mouth cancer, skin cancer, breast cancer (boys can get it too), brain cancer, and testicular cancer. I have only been to the doctor about 3 of those I will let you guess which ones.
if I have to rank them it looks like this.
Top Deadly Cancers.
1. Brain Cancer: see above
2. Testicular Cancer: i really like the symetry of having both
3. Lung Cancer: you really need those
4. Everything else: unlimited ways to go
4. Desease: I am probably going to skip this section there is just nothing pleasant about the variety of deseases available to you plus I have deliberatly kept myself as ignorant as possible on most of them.
5. Mental Conditions: Mental conditions enjoy an uneasy seperation from brain conditions in that brain condition offer more of an instant death for the unprepared where as mental conditions provide a protracted unpleasant life for the mostly unaware. that is to say that in most cases people cant comprehend that they are anything but normal no matter how demented they seem to the rest of us. In some ways this is I guess better because at least you are spared knowlege of thehorrible condition inflicted upon you but in other ways it is much worse in that you have no idea what the F is going on.
Imagine if all of your friends and family are involved in a pact to make your life better by not talking to you about your raging schizophrenia. You are walking around thinking you are a completely normal person who gets occasional unexplained glances from people on the street and meanwhile you have absolutly no touch with reality and every conversation you have with a friend is them patronizing you.
At least that would be somewhat pleasant if you didnt figure it out. What about the paraniod schizophrenics you see on the streets who are yelling about being chased by demons or being the unlikely survivor of a series of horrifying assination attempts? They are not shouting at you because they think that is the cliche thing for street people to yell and they are just doing thier job... they actually think these things are happening! This is their reality every day.
You think your day was bad?, imagine waking up every morning and spending the entire freaking day being chased by demons.... it would just be really unpleasant. The same goes double for althiemers. I dont want to talk about it but every time I forget somthing is basically the start of the slippery slope into massive althiemers confusion.
Top Mental Conditions to be Concerned About.
1. Althiemers
2. Schzophrenia
3. Hypocondria
6. INJURY: not quite as scary but I have to include it because 5 years of swimming lessons left me with a healthy fear of spinal injuries (and then later in our co-ed 14 year old bronze medalian classes public errections)
Top Worst Injuries
1. Spinal Trauma
2. Anything that messes up your face
COOL thanks for listening. I have to go to work now but if anyone wants to email me thier own special fears I will post them.
also I apoligize to anyone who suffers from, or has friends or family members who suffer- or did suffer from, any of the conditions listed. It is not my intention to offend.
also the spell check is busted and I refuse to go back and try to make spelling corrections. I am a shitty speller- live with it
Luke
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Hi Everyone,
I woke up pretty hung over today which leads me to believe that I might not have honered my new "only social drinking" policy. I will probably have to start putting a hard cap on the number of drinks that actually constitutes "social drinking" instead of just trying to decide on the fly which I have clearly been taking liberties with. The concept of social drinking is kind of a big gray area anyway- i guess you have to define it as anything less than aggressive binge drinking or medicinal drinking. I will keep you posted.
We lost the fight network on Rogers cabel today for no reason so that sucks. This doesn't make sense but if you watch enough mixed martial arts matches on the fight newwork you actually start to think that you are becoming a better fighter. like when i walk down the street and look at other dudes I am thinking of which jui-jitsu submission move (that I dont know how to do) I would use to take them down if we were to get in a altercation for some reason. It is usually the rear-naked choke because that looks the easiest but if I had my choice it would definitly be the double leg arm bar. I even have started to think that I can take down the lessor professional fighters on television and have exchanges with ben like "that guy's shoes leave him wide open for an ankle lock" and he is like "He exposes his back too much, I would take him out with the rear naked choke" (ben loves the rear naked choke)
I have to go to work now and serve a bunch of delicous booze. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Luke
I woke up pretty hung over today which leads me to believe that I might not have honered my new "only social drinking" policy. I will probably have to start putting a hard cap on the number of drinks that actually constitutes "social drinking" instead of just trying to decide on the fly which I have clearly been taking liberties with. The concept of social drinking is kind of a big gray area anyway- i guess you have to define it as anything less than aggressive binge drinking or medicinal drinking. I will keep you posted.
We lost the fight network on Rogers cabel today for no reason so that sucks. This doesn't make sense but if you watch enough mixed martial arts matches on the fight newwork you actually start to think that you are becoming a better fighter. like when i walk down the street and look at other dudes I am thinking of which jui-jitsu submission move (that I dont know how to do) I would use to take them down if we were to get in a altercation for some reason. It is usually the rear-naked choke because that looks the easiest but if I had my choice it would definitly be the double leg arm bar. I even have started to think that I can take down the lessor professional fighters on television and have exchanges with ben like "that guy's shoes leave him wide open for an ankle lock" and he is like "He exposes his back too much, I would take him out with the rear naked choke" (ben loves the rear naked choke)
I have to go to work now and serve a bunch of delicous booze. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Luke
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
apparently my lack of posting has led to speculation that I am actually dead.
Im not dead.
without any delay here is what is up in my life categorically...
Work: I still work at the D#ke of Y*rk, Toronto's original fake english pub.
As some of you will remember they hired me because I drank there all the time and it has worked out so far especially because they no longer attempt to have me work during the day.
I am working aproximatly 5 days per week plus I host the trivia night on tuesdays.
Also I have started to draw cartoons again so watch out family circus.
Family: My sister Jen is now a multi-media toronto celebrity appearing regularily in print and on television in "ask doctor Jen" style features. I have yet to see her most regular gig on CBC telivision because it runs before noon. The killer part about my sister is that she is probably the only person in toronto under 40 who doesn't seem to care about becoming famous. My parents have just purchased an eliptical machine which is a suspiciously normal thing for ones 60 year old parents to do so I will have to figure out what is actually up.
I still live with my brother (and our friend Julian and Marks brother Phil) in a pretty cool apartment although one of the tenents is pretty messy and constantly has late night parties with his tanked-up bar co-workers. Ben has been made permenant at the gov. which most people take as an excuse to get desk-fat but unfortunatly ben has also been working out a lot in a desperate bid to make me look bad by comparison.
Health: I had a nosebleed the other day which I was pretty sure was the stroke I have hypocondrially waiting for since I was 15 but it turns out it was just the new gum on the market. I didnt really figure it out untill i got a nosebleed again the next day when I was chewing the same gum (also my friend kim got one as well). The gum is either dentyne EXTREME or chlorettes EXTREME I forget. At first I was pissed off because the gum made me think I was having a stroke but honestly now i am cool because at least one product labelled as "EXTREME" finally has some element of risk associated with it. It will be a shame when they pull the product next week because of a massive nosebleed epidemic (you heard it here first).
Also I have been working out but am still kind of scrawny/chubby. I am trying to lose a bunch of weight so that I am really thin and cool and can prompt exchanges like this:
Hot Girl #1: look at that guy he is really thin and cool
Hot Girl #2: I agree completly do you think he is on herion?
Hot Girl #1: Im not sure and the mystery surrounding his potential herion use is making me more attracted to him
Hot Girl #2: Me too I want to make out with him
Hot Girl #1: I saw him first! why dont you just go and make out with his twin brother
Hot Girl #2: his brothers healthy looking muscles are a huge turnoff I would rather make out with no one
anyway we are still a few weeks away.
I think my health is pretty good in general plus I have quit smoking now for well over a year and a half so that is ok. I am currently tring to tackle my social and medicinal use of alchohol but that is not going quite as well.
Relationships: Suprisingly working 6 nights a week isnt really allowing me to date that much which is too bad because I am getting early rumblings that spring 2006 might be a "restructuring" and unless I can pull my head off the bar for long enough to look around I am going to miss it just like the last restructuring (summer or fall 2004 depending on which catagory of dater you fall into). Speaking of I am still friends with Erica whom was with me for the bulk of this blog and is now articaling at a prestiegous downtown litigation firm. We even have fun dates like "meet me a the airport my suitcase is heavy" and "meet me at the grocery store my groceries are heavy"
Hobbies: None
ok I have been watching a lot of movies in futile attempts to fall asleep without delicous booze but that really isnt a hobby.
I have also been drawing stuff which is a hobby but also so much of a toronto cliche hipster thing (I freaking hate that word and trendster and scenester, we need a word for people who annoy you instantly for some reason and then you are in there house later and find an "idea book" with a bunch of horrible grade 7 looking drawings in it and you arent supprised at all- I nominate "imnotsuprisedyoudrawstuffster" and that goes double for the "imnotsuprisedyouadultcoloursters) that I feel like puking- also no disrespect to actual working artists.
Also my basketball game is in shambles. I dont want to talk about it but I will probably be golfing within 3 years.
wow my entry just turned sour in a hurry and in the hobby section to boot. you would think I would have gone sour in the "work" or "relationship" section but here we are just in time for...
World Events:
our new prime minister is pretty creepy looking. I actully voted for the NDP this year instead of just telling everybody I voted for the NDP so that was pretty cool. it was pretty fun at the polling station to hang out for 45min in the "dont have your shit together/late registration line" as well just to see the people in your nieghbourhood (Conclusion: the annex is white as hell I was starting to feel racist just for living there.)
ok so I am not up on world events but i do have a couple of observations...
Mining Disaster??? really??? what year is this 1875?
i sure am glad that New Orleans is fine now
thats it I really need to read a newspaper.
We do get fox news now with is freaking awesome but not a reliable source of information by any standards concievable.
ok so there it is my first blog entry in a while just so everyone
is clear that I am alive at least untill the next devastating LCBO stella tall tin sale.
If you find it depressing that you have just been updated on 9 months of my life in 3 min then you can imagine how I feel.
Luke
Im not dead.
without any delay here is what is up in my life categorically...
Work: I still work at the D#ke of Y*rk, Toronto's original fake english pub.
As some of you will remember they hired me because I drank there all the time and it has worked out so far especially because they no longer attempt to have me work during the day.
I am working aproximatly 5 days per week plus I host the trivia night on tuesdays.
Also I have started to draw cartoons again so watch out family circus.
Family: My sister Jen is now a multi-media toronto celebrity appearing regularily in print and on television in "ask doctor Jen" style features. I have yet to see her most regular gig on CBC telivision because it runs before noon. The killer part about my sister is that she is probably the only person in toronto under 40 who doesn't seem to care about becoming famous. My parents have just purchased an eliptical machine which is a suspiciously normal thing for ones 60 year old parents to do so I will have to figure out what is actually up.
I still live with my brother (and our friend Julian and Marks brother Phil) in a pretty cool apartment although one of the tenents is pretty messy and constantly has late night parties with his tanked-up bar co-workers. Ben has been made permenant at the gov. which most people take as an excuse to get desk-fat but unfortunatly ben has also been working out a lot in a desperate bid to make me look bad by comparison.
Health: I had a nosebleed the other day which I was pretty sure was the stroke I have hypocondrially waiting for since I was 15 but it turns out it was just the new gum on the market. I didnt really figure it out untill i got a nosebleed again the next day when I was chewing the same gum (also my friend kim got one as well). The gum is either dentyne EXTREME or chlorettes EXTREME I forget. At first I was pissed off because the gum made me think I was having a stroke but honestly now i am cool because at least one product labelled as "EXTREME" finally has some element of risk associated with it. It will be a shame when they pull the product next week because of a massive nosebleed epidemic (you heard it here first).
Also I have been working out but am still kind of scrawny/chubby. I am trying to lose a bunch of weight so that I am really thin and cool and can prompt exchanges like this:
Hot Girl #1: look at that guy he is really thin and cool
Hot Girl #2: I agree completly do you think he is on herion?
Hot Girl #1: Im not sure and the mystery surrounding his potential herion use is making me more attracted to him
Hot Girl #2: Me too I want to make out with him
Hot Girl #1: I saw him first! why dont you just go and make out with his twin brother
Hot Girl #2: his brothers healthy looking muscles are a huge turnoff I would rather make out with no one
anyway we are still a few weeks away.
I think my health is pretty good in general plus I have quit smoking now for well over a year and a half so that is ok. I am currently tring to tackle my social and medicinal use of alchohol but that is not going quite as well.
Relationships: Suprisingly working 6 nights a week isnt really allowing me to date that much which is too bad because I am getting early rumblings that spring 2006 might be a "restructuring" and unless I can pull my head off the bar for long enough to look around I am going to miss it just like the last restructuring (summer or fall 2004 depending on which catagory of dater you fall into). Speaking of I am still friends with Erica whom was with me for the bulk of this blog and is now articaling at a prestiegous downtown litigation firm. We even have fun dates like "meet me a the airport my suitcase is heavy" and "meet me at the grocery store my groceries are heavy"
Hobbies: None
ok I have been watching a lot of movies in futile attempts to fall asleep without delicous booze but that really isnt a hobby.
I have also been drawing stuff which is a hobby but also so much of a toronto cliche hipster thing (I freaking hate that word and trendster and scenester, we need a word for people who annoy you instantly for some reason and then you are in there house later and find an "idea book" with a bunch of horrible grade 7 looking drawings in it and you arent supprised at all- I nominate "imnotsuprisedyoudrawstuffster" and that goes double for the "imnotsuprisedyouadultcoloursters) that I feel like puking- also no disrespect to actual working artists.
Also my basketball game is in shambles. I dont want to talk about it but I will probably be golfing within 3 years.
wow my entry just turned sour in a hurry and in the hobby section to boot. you would think I would have gone sour in the "work" or "relationship" section but here we are just in time for...
World Events:
our new prime minister is pretty creepy looking. I actully voted for the NDP this year instead of just telling everybody I voted for the NDP so that was pretty cool. it was pretty fun at the polling station to hang out for 45min in the "dont have your shit together/late registration line" as well just to see the people in your nieghbourhood (Conclusion: the annex is white as hell I was starting to feel racist just for living there.)
ok so I am not up on world events but i do have a couple of observations...
Mining Disaster??? really??? what year is this 1875?
i sure am glad that New Orleans is fine now
thats it I really need to read a newspaper.
We do get fox news now with is freaking awesome but not a reliable source of information by any standards concievable.
ok so there it is my first blog entry in a while just so everyone
is clear that I am alive at least untill the next devastating LCBO stella tall tin sale.
If you find it depressing that you have just been updated on 9 months of my life in 3 min then you can imagine how I feel.
Luke
Thursday, April 21, 2005
hey everyone we have started a running club at the d#ke of y&rk
I am out of shape by any definition but I managed to get through 30 min of running which more than justified the 8 pints of beer and asst pizza and wings i had afterwords. join us every wednesday at 6pm
we have a new system at work which is apparently much more user friendly than our old system except no one really knows how to use it yet. I am looking forward to the new system except that i feel like my knowlege of our archaic old system somehow insulated me from losing position on the imaginary duke of york depth chart to new team members. somebody could have years of experience but they probably dont have the 10 key sequence necessary to request an extra spoon with your brownie memorized like I do.
Anyway like it or not change is upon us and even though change has been my natural enemy traditionally i supose it will be nice not to be the only restaurant in toronto who cant provide seperate bills.
ben has lost his magic toque which is good news for luke and everyone else. I am pretty sure he is going through the motions of trying to back-order a the toque from the lacoste wearhouse but in the interim it is open season.
Congratulations to ross matheson for renting an apartment in st catherines all by himself. I am coming by as soon as I get a weekend off (jan 2008) and I am going to get super tanked up and pass out on your clothes and also I am going to hire someone to manually grind my teeth
Once again it has been a while since I have posted anything so I will try to answer your non stop e-mail questions all at once...
A: I think I as going to wear str8 forward walking shorts this summer but I am also going to cut off some camoflage pants and wear those sometimes as well. I found some old roots trackpants at the value village and I was excited about wearing those as cut-offs but they seem to be a little revealing not in the cut too short way but in the side profile is too contoured way. I am probably going to try to find some thong sandals to replace the ones that erica got me for my birthday two years ago and I broke last summer.
I am going to try to play basketball now even though my legs are predictably sore from running up the steps at casle loma
I am out of shape by any definition but I managed to get through 30 min of running which more than justified the 8 pints of beer and asst pizza and wings i had afterwords. join us every wednesday at 6pm
we have a new system at work which is apparently much more user friendly than our old system except no one really knows how to use it yet. I am looking forward to the new system except that i feel like my knowlege of our archaic old system somehow insulated me from losing position on the imaginary duke of york depth chart to new team members. somebody could have years of experience but they probably dont have the 10 key sequence necessary to request an extra spoon with your brownie memorized like I do.
Anyway like it or not change is upon us and even though change has been my natural enemy traditionally i supose it will be nice not to be the only restaurant in toronto who cant provide seperate bills.
ben has lost his magic toque which is good news for luke and everyone else. I am pretty sure he is going through the motions of trying to back-order a the toque from the lacoste wearhouse but in the interim it is open season.
Congratulations to ross matheson for renting an apartment in st catherines all by himself. I am coming by as soon as I get a weekend off (jan 2008) and I am going to get super tanked up and pass out on your clothes and also I am going to hire someone to manually grind my teeth
Once again it has been a while since I have posted anything so I will try to answer your non stop e-mail questions all at once...
A: I think I as going to wear str8 forward walking shorts this summer but I am also going to cut off some camoflage pants and wear those sometimes as well. I found some old roots trackpants at the value village and I was excited about wearing those as cut-offs but they seem to be a little revealing not in the cut too short way but in the side profile is too contoured way. I am probably going to try to find some thong sandals to replace the ones that erica got me for my birthday two years ago and I broke last summer.
I am going to try to play basketball now even though my legs are predictably sore from running up the steps at casle loma
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
hey everyone just a reminder that tomorrow is St Patricks Day
St patrick drove the snakes out of ireland and managed to find time to convert the local pagans to Christianity. St patricks day is the best holiday of the year by a freaking landslide. I mean sure people get pretty drunk for Christmas and of course haloween and labor day are tanked up like crazy also I personally have been trating black history month like mardigras for pirates BUT in all of these cases there is some pointed ocasion that your selfish partygoing circles around. With St Patricks Day- by comparison- drinking upwards of 10 pints of Guiness in not just a delicous sidebar to the holiday but (with proper respect to st patrick) is a the whole point of the holiday. Drinking on St Patricks Day is like not driving on international car free day. I for one am not going to be caught in my metaphorical car of sobriety although I do have to work so I will probably have to go to afterhours.
This morning I had cake for breakfast
If anyone is interested we are going to do the century club at the bedford academy starting at midnight. show up a little bit early.
Closer is a really crappy movie except for the extended natatlie portman stripper scene.
this blog entry sucks even compared to the last entry. I promise an intertaining entry as soon as I do anything besides work play basketball bingedrink or play poker. dont hold your breath.
please come and visit me at the duke tomorrow. I will be on the bar in the basement pub and i will give you a guiness tatoo although i wont be as cool as my st patrick pen tatoo.
St patrick drove the snakes out of ireland and managed to find time to convert the local pagans to Christianity. St patricks day is the best holiday of the year by a freaking landslide. I mean sure people get pretty drunk for Christmas and of course haloween and labor day are tanked up like crazy also I personally have been trating black history month like mardigras for pirates BUT in all of these cases there is some pointed ocasion that your selfish partygoing circles around. With St Patricks Day- by comparison- drinking upwards of 10 pints of Guiness in not just a delicous sidebar to the holiday but (with proper respect to st patrick) is a the whole point of the holiday. Drinking on St Patricks Day is like not driving on international car free day. I for one am not going to be caught in my metaphorical car of sobriety although I do have to work so I will probably have to go to afterhours.
This morning I had cake for breakfast
If anyone is interested we are going to do the century club at the bedford academy starting at midnight. show up a little bit early.
Closer is a really crappy movie except for the extended natatlie portman stripper scene.
this blog entry sucks even compared to the last entry. I promise an intertaining entry as soon as I do anything besides work play basketball bingedrink or play poker. dont hold your breath.
please come and visit me at the duke tomorrow. I will be on the bar in the basement pub and i will give you a guiness tatoo although i wont be as cool as my st patrick pen tatoo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
