Hey blogfans,

I don't usually get bolts of inspiration like this but think I finally have a business plan that will see me comfortably into retirement. Like most of my business plans the first step will be to purchase the fattest dog I can find BUT UNLIKE my previous failed fat dog ventures this plan will involve people paying me money to have my huge fat dog crap on the lawns of their enemies.
Somebody piss you off at work DOGSHITASIZE them!!! Not only does this fill a valid need in our or any community but it practically markets itself.

QUESTIONS:

WHY?

I feel like this is the only enterprise that properly combines my love of dogs and cowardly revenge.

How will you get the fat dog to crap on a designated lawn?

A: The key is that I am not going to utilize the original fat dog as a field soldier but instead I am going to both breed it (obviously with another fat dog) and study it to see the lifestyle choices it has made to get so fat. I am then going take the already fat and still easily trainable puppies and install the original fat dog lifestyle into them. Lets say I notice that my alpha fat dog likes to say occasionally drink ginger ale and lie under trees, well then that is all that my puppies are ever going to do. Eventually I will have a small army of fat dogs ready to crap whenever and wherever I want. I will probably have to use a high-pitched command work like "crappies!" or something.

But you cant really train a dog to crap like that, isn't their crapping a biological function? A matter of instinct?
First off all dogs are trained to repress their instincts all the time. Some well trained dogs actually beat out ben and adam on this front. Of course I reject any kind of training that uses physical punishment and those jerks at PETA will probably be watching my every move anyway so I think that I will probably use negative reward re-enforcement. While most dog owners would reward a well behaved dog with a treat my dogs will be constantly getting treats as part of their fattening up phase (ages 0-10)(human years) so this would be less effective. I haven't ironed out all of the kinks but it will probably involve a dog who goes without the "crappies!" command temporarily losing his or her ginger-ale privlidges.

isn't this going to be really really unhealthy for the dogs?

Hey look, I am not an expert on canine nutrition but I do know that I will never force a dog to eat anything that it doesn't want to eat. I bet if the dogs could talk they would thank me for feeding 4 to 6 times as often as their starving little contemporaries.

Wont you get caught and arrested?

I plan to do most of my crapbombing missions at night.

Do I have to use this on an enemies houses? What if I was mad at a retail establishment or something?

Obviously it will be harder to infiltrate a wall-mart or the DMV than some guys lawn but for the right price I am pretty confident that my dogs will be able to discreetly unload anywhere.

This Post is getting boring shouldn't you be going to yorkville to try to find a replacement toque for the one you lost last night or something?

Yes probably

And after that arent you going to go to the value village and look for cool long sleeve t-shirts?

well that was the plan

But you couldn't even get that done could you?

I was kind of busy...

Doing what? napping perhaps?

I might have drifted off a little while I was watching TV..

You Disgust me