I have to go and get a haircut now

TOP 5 GOALS FOR THIS HAIRCUTTING EXPERIENCE:

1. Cute girl or at least girl and definitly not a dude will wash my hair.
2. Hair will look good or at least marginally good when I leave the place.
3. I will avoid purchasing any hair product that cost more than 25$
4. Haircut will be powerfull enough to last 5+ weeks before I need another one.
5. Jock friends will not notice haircut and in turn will not make fun of me for spending more than 12$ on hair.